She: Akka, nee niraya padichiruka la
Me: Yennaku thevayana alavu padhichirukaen
She: Naannum kanaku la 90 mark vangirukaen ka, Aana naalan class ku apparum padikila.
We watched videos together on how to take levelled spoons of lactogen, how to measure 30ml in the bottle and how to mix lactogen in water. I found much respect for those who do fundamental videos, which I previously thought were unintelligent.
Most doctors tried to help her, they told her to feed the baby solid food to help him increase weight. They told her to stop using the feeding bottle. They always meant good and gave sound advice, but they couldn’t always understand that she was a lone woman raising her child.
The medical personnel were compassionate enough to understand, but just like me, they couldn’t offer more than empathy.
When one of the doctors scolded her for giving the baby a bottle she fired back at the doctor.
She bomabarded other women in the ICU who told her, “Ivalo naal aachu, innum geti aagarum kudakalaya..??” She hated judgement.
She was bold enough to tell the doctor to change the bed of her neighbour because she was asking too many questions.
She used to call me for support when the doctors reprimanded her. She couldn’t comprehend the advice. She believed that everyone thought that she was a bad mother.
She wasn't adamant, she was clueless and all the instructions were impossible to accomplish according to her.
I showed her videos of how bottles need to be sterilised and washed with soap and water. (Even more respect for those who make basic videos)
Her methods of bottle rinsing will cause infections, ‘kaniku theriyadha poochi valarum’ I told her. That’s why the doctors were telling her to not use bottle I explained.
Anna akka, avan sapita maateengara ka, naan yenna panradhu?
Some children find it tough to transition to solids, and I realised how overwhelming it must be for her. Maybe she's struggling with postpartum depression. But I guess that’s a condition that have-nots cannot afford to have.
Alloparenting is animal behaviour, where an individual other than the biological parent of an offspring performs the functions of a parent (as by temporarily caring for an infant). Alloparenting enhances the quality of offspring care and is especially of much use in vulnerable infants. The human species have always had alloparents in the form of grandmas, aunts, and older sisters.
She had no womenfolk to help her, to teach her, to support her and help her raise her child. Maybe she antagonised them herself, maybe she’s too proud to ask for help, or maybe she’s surrounded by a bunch of selfish people.
When another baby in the ICU passed away, she held my hand and said, “akka, bayama irriku ka, ivan nalla irupaan la..” I told her, “Doctor, pechu keezhpadinja, onnum pirachina illa, don’t worry!”.
She got eager for a moment to follow the doctor’s instructions.
From, the next day we tried feeding the baby solid food, boiled apples, watery idly, mashed kanji, cerelac, and the little fellow was angry, and frustrated, he spat, he kicked , he flung it all. He was a fussy eater. And she was a frustrated mother.
They say women need a tribe. I had mine to watch my back when my son was in the hospital.
My sister sent me baby videos and voice records to cheer us up, my mother sent Seeshan home-cooked food that appealed to his precise taste-buds.
My mother in law ensured that Arpana did not miss a day of school. Also, when I came home to refresh, she made me hot lunch and fried appalams for the side. My sisters in law called and always checked on whether I was comfortable.
But this young mother with an 8-month-old infant did not have her own tribe of women to support her. To add to it, even the simplest medical explanations about her son’s condition seemed perplexing to her.
My friend is a fiery woman, a very young mother, maybe she didn’t have a happy childhood, maybe she faced abuse, and maybe she is hurt, or maybe her executive functions aren’t well developed and gets easily frustrated when trying to do her tasks.
But she was a loving mother, her son would smile at her, and she would hug him and kiss him, and he would laugh.
When it was time for my son’s discharge, she said, “akka, naan poori vaangitu varaen, namma sapidalama ka..” And yes, we broke bread together.
When it was time for me to go, she said, “Yenna ka, yena vitu poreeya..?”
I asked if I can pray for her baby, I closed my eyes and prayed a small prayer for health for the child and help for the mother. I opened my eyes after praying to see her munching on a samosa. But I know that the angels said "amen" with me.
I told her that she can always call me and I’ll try to connect with her as much as I can. Sadly, there isn’t much I can do unless her tribe of women find her.
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