The idea of working with people, serving those in need, praying with the sick and the confused, sharing the gospel and teaching the depths of Christian living to others always fascinated me. I thought of myself as an all-rounder who will use my giftedness in many ways. However, real church service presents a different picture.
In church work, the ‘system’ is not straightforward. You don’t get to do the same work every-day. At least the pastor has a preaching routine - he preaches three times a week, teaches at bible study and leads worship. He has a structure to follow, a task to accomplish. But, not so for the pastor’s wife. Sometimes she is expected to support things directly, sometimes indirectly. But whether she’s wanted or not, she needs to show up.
I am not a person who takes unrealistic expectations on myself in terms of my outward performances as a pastor’s wife. However, it stresses me when I am unable to make conscious choices in my daily work that will bring about divine qualities. Sometimes, it feels like the day drowns in doing mundane things with no specific goals.
Sometimes, I become an extension of my roles. Instead of asking myself, ‘What is the best way for me to fill this particular role?’ I get stuck inside another world of ambiguity by asking, ‘How should this role be performed?’ or even more, ‘How do they want me to perform this role?’
Dealing with ambiguous feelings – like everybody else, a pastor’s wife like me deals with different emotions. And because I have a mental image of myself on the pedestal, I must try very hard to be honest about myself and my own struggles.
I get impatient, angry, irritated, and like every other wife, sometimes I even hate my husband’s work. However, in other jobs, it is relatively easy to say, ‘I hate this job’ and get back to work, with no qualms. But it is indeed very difficult to say the same (without feeling guilty) when you work in a church.
It is a blessing in many ways when the church and the home are on the same premises. You have a lot of space and you save a lot of time. However, where do work end and home begin? That is ambiguous. Work-life balance is indispensable for everyone. But, in church work, it is tough to draw the line.
Is my pastor husband, my pastor? I admire my husband and affirm his calling as the spiritual head of my home. I am often amazed at his wisdom in offering spiritual counsel, his foresight, his determination to stand his ground. However, most times, when it concerns me, he naturally tends to be more of the husband than a pastor. Instead of a lengthy conversation with the wife congregant instilling hope and inspiration, coupled with scripture and prayer– it usually becomes a short, ‘hey! Come on; it will all be fine! God is in control’.
Frustrations occur everywhere. But it does not negate the joy of serving God through the lives of people he sends our way. I have cried happy tears when I saw answered prayers for people who were not my family. I have had the privilege of seeing the hand of God in deep places of the heart. I have seen faith heroes stand by me and encourage my gifts. I have enjoyed peace and contentment that I cannot explain. Despite the ambiguity, I know that Christ is clear about His purposes and each day I move forward on the path that I am ordained to take.
-Cynthia
